"Secrets"

I have not been blogging much recently. I feel like I have so much to tell you. I have "secret's" to share of what God is doing in my life that sometimes I find it hard to put words to such important people and special events that have happened in my life.

SO here you go. Welcome to my life this summer!

Recently I have been very encouraged and my heart is full of gladness. This all happened when I went to Mayo Clinic. Many wise doctors did tests on me to figure out what is going on. They ruled out many things and found a few things wrong. Migraine's and lack of salt in my diet is half of what is wrong with me. The other half is unknown so I will be receiving more tests.

What is so encouraging about my news? That there is nothing worse going on in my body. Being sick for so long has been hard to refrain from thinking the worst. Another thing that is very encouraging is that I was given a depression and anxiety test. Most doctors assume I am depressed or had anxiety issues. Sometimes I did wonder myself if I was depressed because many people thought I was. I am glad my faith in God is what makes me string. I believe the only thing I struggle with is being discouraged at times and questioning the Lord's goodness when things aren't going my way. I am happy to say I have a relationship with God who knows my every care and weakness.

This summer I was in one of my best friend from high schools wedding. What is so special about Steph's wedding?

Two things:

First is that if your able to stay friends with someone over a long period of time and be able to go to their wedding is a blessing. Although we hadn't talked much since Stephen died. The ability to be in Steph's wedding made me glad to be able to celebrate more with her and the rest of the wedding party!

Second, this was the first wedding I was in since Stephen died. Living in Kansas City I always had a great support system. Wherever I went or looked there were friends encouraging me and supporting me .At Steph's wedding, Steph was the only person who knew my deep hardships of loss. Although most of the wedding party new my story they hadn't lived through the hard days of grief with me. The bridal part was very encouraging. In my mind I wanted to celebrate with the bride and groom and not take part in another chapter of grief. Throughout the day of the wedding I tried to hide me grief. I had an hour to myself before the wedding started. I went off by myself and sat down. I started to pray and cried some tears of loss. This was a great thing for me because although I was happy for my friend I needed to go through this part of the grieving process. If it did not happen in Steph's wedding it would have happened in the next. After a little while I rejoined the wedding party to partake in the wedding ceremony and celebration. It was a glorious time and the thought of grief and loss was nowhere to be found the rest of the day. I was able to enjoy my friend's big day. I realized that day, that I need to welcome the times of grief even now. Even after two years. As long as I grieve when I need and continue the life God has set before me there is no reason to cry and laugh in the same day.

So many people don't deal with their emotions that they suppress them. If you suppress hard times you will find yourself overcome and may even "blow up" unable to handle any more life events.

Want to know another secret?

I absolutely dislike people asking what I do with my day and if I have a boyfriend.

Why?

For some odd reason I find it embarrassing and sometimes humiliating to talk to people and not have a life all put together. Most people my age have a dream job and are married with at least one kid. Or so my mind it tempted to think. This of course is not true. Because I lack an "awesome" job and have no boyfriend I am told by the world that I am incomplete.

But...I am truly blessed and thankful for the jobs I do have.

As for the word boyfriend...

All summer long I have been asked by doctors, town's people, friends of the family, and strangers if I have a boyfriend. Most of the time I stuff back the tears and tell people that I was engaged but he is in Heaven with God now. Whoever hears those words are shocked and tell me how greatly sorry they are and then ask for further details. I usually don't cry when asked, but when I leave the conversation I take a deep breath to shed a few tears. For the next few days after those conversations I cannot help but think about Stephen. He was such a special man. I find myself missing his hearty loud laugh and encouraging words as he shared a bible verse that spoke to him that day.

I do have thoughts at times about marrying someone other than Stephen. I imagine going to the alter with another man that I have found to love and suddenly burst into tears because I an not marrying Stephen. As graphic as it sounds to me and maybe to you, this is the reality of my thoughts of dating at the moment.

I am thankful for the continuing love, grace, and comfort of God.

Lastly I want to talk about the secret in some really good friendships that God has allowed me to be a part of. God has brought many amazing, talented, quirky, loving, and good people into my life. I am blessed to call these people my friends.

Today though, I wish to boast in my good God and the ways my friends serve Him! Weather in full time ministry serving God or through every day jobs I am so proud to call these people my friends.

I have to start with my high school friends. I was a part of Child Evangelism Fellowship with some really amazing people. My three good friends I made were Stephanie, Jasmine, and Allison. We all had a heart to help people and share the gospel with children. Even to this day they still have a heart to help those in need. I am proud to call them my friends!

I have many friends in church or young adult ministry. I see their heart to serve the Lord and willingness to be a friend and mentor to someone younger or their age. Stephen, Carolyn, Daniel, Levi, Mo, Abby, Josh, Bekah, Lexi, Nathan, Jonathan, Jon, Tiffany, Brandon, Josh, Kevin, Sarah, and others, thank you for allowing God to use you. May God continue to bless you, grow you, and mature you!

To those with the everyday jobs and to those stay at home mom's, your ministry is just as important as those in full time ministry. May God renew a steadfast spirit in you for feeling worthless at times. May joy and laughter shine through you as people see your life in Christ. And may you be glad in the job set before you! To Ruth, Allison, Nate, Jill, Jered, Brenton, Bekah, Jill, Elise, Troy, Briana, Aundra, Melissa, Jon, Justin, Kyle, Joel, Sarah, Gabby, Miranda, Nichole, Angela, Anna, and soo many others, God bless you!

Lastly, I wish to talk about a ministry that just started less than a year ago. My friends Joel, Troy, and Daniel started a podcast ministry. The ministry is called Refined Thoughts. If you have not heard of them I encourage you to go on iTunes and check them out (for free). I hope you find excitement and joy for young people who have started their own ministry in order to glorify God. These guys started their ministry after graduating from Bible College and are using their knowledge they were given to serve God. Now isn't that amazing. To start your own ministry in serving God where they are able to reach out and speak truth to people. May God bless your ministry my friends!

Anyone I know who is living out their faith, I cannot help but smile. You encourage me! May God refresh your heart and bring new growth into your life. The secret in my friends I talked about is that they have faith in God and are living it out!

There you go. My journey and secrets in life. It really is hard to verbalize and process one's life and emotions. You try it! To process things in your life and to share with people the blessings that God has placed in your life! I hope you do! At least to share one good thing God has done in your life this summer with the people around you!

God bless you all!